The parenthood journey is an interesting one. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, almost everywhere I turned for information discussed the challenges and adjustments that would come with the joy of becoming a parent. I have a virtual bookshelf and actual bookshelf filled with books that talk about nurturing your child, nurturing my body during pregnancy, balancing the fifth trimester and helping your baby thrive via a schedule but no where is there a book that talks about maintaining friendships after becoming a parent.
Over the past eight months, since becoming a mother, this is one of the things that has caused me the most guilt. Today, a friend summarized my emotion in an email
Ashley, as much as you love motherhood, I can imagine that you miss time out with friends.
Don’t get me wrong. When I see Facebook memories from years past pop-up on my computer, it isn’t the late nights out dancing, happy hours, fancy dinners or the carefree weekends that I miss. What I miss is the quality time with girlfriends who have seen me through thick and thin over the years. I wish that I could have a relaxed dinner with each of the incredible women in the pictures below, and so many others, who I desperately want to stay in touch with as I navigate this new chapter.
Even though I can “follow” along with their life via Instagram or Instagram stories, I miss being part of those memories and supporting them. I feel like I haven’t been able to find the balance of being a mother, balancing a demanding career, being a wife and also being a good friend – especially for those friends who do not have children. In fact, the journey of parenthood has brought my closer to a few lifelong friends and new friends as we’ve texted with each other late at night about the surprises and adventures along the way. Those are the people who I text at 2 AM asking what in the world I can do for teething or when trying to figure out how many layers of clothing is too many when it feels like -12 degrees. But, along the way, I feel as if I’ve struggled to support my friends who aren’t parents. I’ve struggled to figure out how to best support each of my friends; whether it’s dealing with the grief roller coaster after losing a parent, celebrating engagements and promotions, or letting them vent after a difficult week.
Not all friendships will survive the transition, as bestselling author Heidi Murkoff writes in her classic book, What to Expect the First Year. “Friendships that are only job deep (or partying deep) often don’t have what it takes to survive change.”
I thought, perhaps, that I was alone in this struggle since it’s so rarely discussed. But, when I requested suggestions last night on Instagram, I received a number of responses from people saying that even years after having children, they’ve struggled to stay in touch with even the closest of friends.
It turns out I’m not alone. Many new moms find themselves feeling isolated and struggling to find ways to connect with their single or childless friends. – Michal Conger
Since so many people engaged on this topic, I thought it would be beneficial to share some of the suggestions I received and articles I found helpful.
- A few people recommended planning a weekly workout or running date with your non-mom friends especially if you used to do this before becoming a parent. I love this idea and as a part of my goal to do yoga more often, I’ve emailed a few of my friends letting them know that I’m trying to practice yoga a few times a month and hope they’ll join me. I’m also hoping to run with friends at least once per month since last weekend’s race made me realize how much I miss this!
- Another reader shared that she has flexibility to plan lunches during her work day, which makes it easier and more predictable.
- Choose a day that works for your friends and try to have a girls night once per month – then challenge yourself not to talk about your child(ren) unless someone asks. Remember that there is more to your life than your child. Use this as an opportunity to practice disconnecting from your role as a mother.
- When traveling, use taxi time to the airport as a great chance to catch up with a friend or family member. Or, instead of watching tv in the hotel after a work dinner, text a friend for a long over-due catch up date.
- Invite friends over to the house for a wine & dessert date once a month which means you don’t have to find a babysitter but can still catch up with friends.
- Dedicate more than just an hour to catching up with friends especially if it’s a group. One mom shared that the first month she organized drinks with girlfriends and realized that an hour wasn’t enough time to chat with each woman there and left feeling more guilty than she’d arrived.
- Be willing to pay for a babysitter so they know that they are a priority and enjoy a non-child activity whether it’s a manicure & pedicure data or a fun dinner.
- If you have a hard time finding time that works for friends due to each other’s schedules, remember that text messages, emails and phone work well too. Send a friend a random note letting them know you’re thinking about them and just ask about life, work, their family, their love life, etc. Don’t wait to hear from them – be pro-active!
- Friendship CPR – This short article stresses the importance of being realistic and also realizing that strong friendships can be repaired and rebuilt.
- 7 Ways to Keep Your Friendships Strong After Babies – Your friendships can grow and flourish through this huge period of change, if you just put a little thought into it.
Since reading everyone’s recommendations, here are the things that I did almost immediately:
- I talked with Bo and chose three evenings this month that he will be home by 7pm to watch Katie. So far I’ve decided to enjoy yoga with a few friends one night, dinner with a few friends another night and have an additional night that I’ll hopefully have a long overdue one on one evening with a good friend. Since he also has some dear friends he’d like to stay in touch with, he is doing the same and has chosen two evenings this month that he’ll do dinner with a good friend.
- I sent a few text messages to friends who I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and just said hello and checked in with them.
- I emailed a few of my running friends, in hopes of doing another race or long run this month while enjoying their company and brunch or coffee afterwards!
- Since a few of our friends love children and are always asking to spend more time with Katie, we reminded friends that our home is an open door and invited them to join for dinner or weekend fun at any time. This weekend one of my closest friends from college is coming to visit and specifically requested some time with Katie.
If you’ve experienced the struggle of balancing friendships after children, I’d appreciate any tips or thoughts.
I’ve also written about this subject from a “non mum” point of view and tbh I think the issue comes in clarifying anyone as a “non mum”. There is no reason your friends that are not or have chosen not to be parents need any special treatment / don’t want to hear about your pregnancy or how your child is doing / spend time with you and your child / do activities that include children… Nothing changes when a friend becomes a parent if there was a true friendship there to start with.
It’s funny that friends who are pregnant, maybe for the first time, don’t want to share certain things with friends who are yet to be parents then we as women wonder why we don’t know anything before it happens to us… well, that’s because some people don’t realise that empathy is a thing… you can empathise with someone or a situation not having been through it yourself, and you can also learn from that situation and that persona experiences. I think this is an issue with all women related things to be honest… like periods, relationships etc etc
But thanks for sharing… there is no doubt that communication will be the first step in restoring any friendships that are worth keeping xoxo
Hi Ashley,
I came to this page to comment and was surprised to see someone sharing the same sentiments. I completely agree with Elle. In short: why does it have to be an “us” verses “them” scenario?
I think it’s great that you want to prioritize friendship, but I don’t think it has anything to do with being a mom v. not being a mom. As women, we are all busy and all juggling a million things. I think it’s just as appropriate to make the case that having a partner makes it easier to schedule personal time v. balancing all the commitments of life without a partner. Who knows? Each scenario is different, and that’s the point.
Making time for yourself means considering all the things that make you happy… and my advice for anyone who finds themselves missing friendship time shouldn’t assume anything about the other person, but rather reach out to the friend(s), communicate your thoughts and position, and figure out how to remedy the situation TOGETHER.
Important conversation, especially as women get older. Thanks for getting the dialogue started.
I so appreciate the perspective and comment. You are right – it shouldn’t be non versus non-mom but right now it seems I’ve had a harder time working through and maintaining the non-mom friendships because our schedules are so different. But, we are all busy and juggling a million things regardless of whether that is work, relationships, pets, or children. Thank you so much for adding to the dialogue!
I think there is a certain level of self-absorption that takes place when becoming a parent. I say this as a parent of two daughters, because you become really all-encompassed by this extension of yourself, and so much of your time, your body, and your life is no longer your own. Being a good friend requires a degree of selflessness, and I agree with teh above commenters that so many of the tension comes up from the “moms versus non-moms” distinction. you recently wrote a post on how to help someone with cancer, but to me, as a daughter of a cancer survivor, it seemed to really miss the mark, because it focused so much on materialistic things instead of recognizing what that person needed at the time, so again, lacking that level of selflessness (it also seemed sloppily written IMO but thats beside the point). if you’re willing to show up and be a real friend, i think those friendships will not have issues.
This is spot on! I think some new parents just aren’t fully aware of how radically their lives have changed, and that lack of self-awareness means they don’t understand how that impacts their other relationships. Your life has changed but the world continues to spin, you just have to be a thoughtful person and care about your friends, not start mentally assigning everyone to teams.
Being a friend to many moms I have plenty of experience of being forgotten or not prioritized because my friends have to do their “family duties”. I know that family has to come first always BUT its important to not forget your friends from before babies too.
I’ve never commented on this blog and was a little nervous about what I’d find when I clicked over to share my thoughts… and was pleasantly surprised to see the thoughtful responses above!
– It’s not us v them: I am a mom now but spent years (and dollars and stress and etc.) trying to build my family. I know it changed my perspective a lot, but I am SO cognizant now that everybody has their own scheduling challenges. Maybe it’s a friend going through IVF (appointments every day!), taking care of an elderly or sick family member, dating (going on internet dates every week is a lot of work!), or whatever. Moms don’t have the monopoly on busy lives and it’s not more important than every single other time commitment.
– Self-absorption: yep. I am obsessed with my kid and I talk about him all the freaking time. But, it is so good and so healthy to step away from this. I purposefully don’t want to become defined by my kid. Parenting is the biggest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s not all of who I am. I also have thoughts about a lot of other things- politics, pop culture, tv, books, etc. and I am genuinely interested in asking about my friends’ lives too. Again, this is good and healthy. Step outside of your obsession with your kid.
I’m glad your readers were able to add some really healthy perspective to this post. That’s great that you scheduled some time with your friends this month- the challenge will be making it a regular habit. And try not to put your friends in such small categories: “mom,” “grieving daughter,” “single”. They are so much more than that.
I wrote a post on this topic I think may help you!
http://www.livehalffullblog.com/2017/04/03/how-friendship-changes-after-children/
Hi Ashley,
I can imagine that it is hard to find balance when you have a baby and a challenging career. I’ve been reading your blog for years now and I always perceived you as a goal oriented, strong willed person who gets what she wants and makes the seemingly impossible possible without allowing yourself too much unscheduled time. So it doesn’t surprise that you’re trying to find a strategy for saving friendships and evaluate the options like project tasks. From a different point of view and my personal experience I have to say that I would rather want to hear what you are going through for real than expecting you to change the topic just because you fear that talking about your baby and your new family situation could bore or annoy me. If you’re a good friend and feel that the other one tries to please you on a schedule and then goes home and lives real life without you it feels weird. Don’t get me wrong, it’s clear that you need to schedule your time, but from the friends perspective I wouldn’t like to feel like another task on a todo list that needs to be done. I also wouldn’t expect you to find time for everything during this exciting and precious time of your life. I’d rather want you to enjoy every minute with your quickly growing little one. And who says that a true friend can’t have a walk with you AND your baby, step by at your house, have coffee with you while the little one is playing? Relax a bit Ashley, you deserve it and you are allowed to enjoy this time to the fullest without worrying too much.
Sending lots of hugs, Sabine